I facilitated my first women's group in Jan. 2019… Months before that it was like I was burned at the stake from an event I was a collaborator in. All my childhood wounds felt like they were thrown on a table and set to bake in the sun, blistering, and oozing out for all to see.
And in that same space, I found a spiritual development school that gave me a foundation to stand on and embody my truest self.
The unraveling I endured was necessary, almost like a disinfecting in order for me to have the space and capacity to dive deeper into my business + my true spirit self. To FEEL and Experience what I did so that I could have preparation for the tumultuous path of entrepreneurship.
The other day I had a realization that the events that occurred just months before I got pregnant had a VERY similar flavor to the occurrences before the first women’s group I led.
An Undoing.
A Clearing.
A Striped Nakedness.
A Death to what I thought was my identity.
Cleansing that which was not in alignment to bring forward into my motherhood stage of life.
Truly, the exact same thing happened, in an eerily identical way.
8 months postpartum and I am seeing much of what I thought I “healed” has been displayed out again, for the poking and prying and cooking by any onlookers.
But of course, in truth, I know we never fully heal anything… that is not what having a human experience is… if I healed everything I would not here. It was my Spirit’s choice to incarnate during this lifetime and have these occurrences. I know that in each stage of life things that have been “worked on” will emerge again with new flavors because I have a new set of eyes that can look at it, massage it, and nurture it differently.
The conversation I had with God just a few months before I got pregnant was along these lines:
If I am ready for the spiritual growth of being a mother and guiding a child in this life,
I trust that you will have me get pregnant and you will guide and support me throughout the journey.
Well… let me tell you something… I remembered this conversation through pregnancy.. I felt like I was very graceful with myself in how horrific the journey actually felt haha…. Having morning sickness all the way to the end is not for the weak spirited! I also was so prepared for birth that my midwife and nurse were shocked that it was my first time, I pushed for about 14 mins with no interventions. If you are pregnant or planning to get pregnant and want to know how I got so prepared to reach out.
I also intellectually remembered this conversation in the first several months of motherhood, however the textures and edges that those first months brought really only made it possible for me to just go through the motions. I remember a voice in my head trying to shame me when I had “downtime” for not meditating, not doing breathwork, for scrolling through tiktok, for not journaling…. HA HA because of the work I had done it was more or less easy to know that voice was NOT TRUTH.
Here's the thing about those first few months, it is such a shock to the system that you must give it time to calibrate. ALSO during those first few months I was really only needing to operate by pouring into my daughter + healing my body + letting my body and spirit catch up to this vastly new life and sleeping schedule.
Now, Almost 9 Months Postpartum, What I have remembered
Starting a business is very similar to entering parenthood… go easy on yourself + receive aligned guidance when you are ready.
I have the power to make a room shine or burn
When I am ready, I will.
I am never not supported by God
I can choose to plug into programs of scarcity, chaos, lack, suffering… or I can choose to plug into something different
No matter how much work or healing I have done, the stickiest healing work will always surround the lineage of my upbringing, and it will present itself in many different forms in order for me to do the work and smooth the edges more, but the likelihood of those ever “going away” in my lifetime are rare, so I may as well buckle up and keep my arms and legs inside for the ride!
There is no “good” or “bad”, there are only programs or systems that have different flavors and textures, I have free will to choose my programs, but my Spirit has a blueprint of what is true and aligned. In this lifetime I get to play with it all and attune to my blueprint as I am reminded of it and it unfolds before me.